So, I did what many girls do to de-stress: eat sweet stuff and watch a sappy movie. After downing some of my homemade applesauce, I popped in Beastly, a "modern take" on Beauty and the Beast. Now, I'll preface this by saying that I chose not to see it when it was in theaters because I thought the premise was laughable. After giving it a viewing, I can't say I was too far off. But in every terrible movie, there's almost always a glimmer of hope. This particular glimmer happens to be named Neil Patrick Harris.
So, if you like NPH or enjoy teasing cheesy movies, please do read on! If not, well, the choice to see or not to see is yours.
To see or not to see, that was a BIG question, and director Daniel Barnz was certainly not shy about weaving the theme of vision throughout the entirety of the film. First, when super cool guy Kyle Kingston, played by Alex Pettyfer, is turned into a crazy tattooed skinhead by Kendra, Mary-Kate Olsen, his vision goes crazy blurry and the audience knows that something is definitely not right. But let's backpedal. The last time I saw Mary-Kate Olsen, I was 8 and she was having slumber parties hosted from my VCR. Now, she's a goth witch with a face tattoo and knack for style. To say the casting was jarring is a slight understatement, but I digress. As the film continues, we meet a woman who can't see her kids because they are geographically distant, a man that is literally blind and those blinded by their ego. Oh, and there's the coup de gras, one of the most classic and cliche pieces of storytelling imagery: the eyeglasses. As I was watching I said aloud, with sarcasm as thick as the dickens, "Oh my god, he put the eyeglasses on. Now he's going to be able to see what he couldn't see before!" And maybe this is just me being an English nerd, but come on dude, no need for the heavy hand. We get it.
Now, the second most reoccurring theme: ugliness. "Unpleasant or repulsive, especially in appearance," according to the Oxford English Dictionary. I'm not sure who came up with the idea for what "ugly" is in the movie, but the whole idea is terribly flawed because ugly is different for everyone. Whether it was the art directors, the makeup artists, it doesn't matter. The problem is that they had a very oddly specific idea of ugly: no hair, a couple of strategically placed gashes, some weird inexplicable silver vein things, tattooed-on eyebrows and different sets of thorns and swirls covering his face, chest and back. At best, Alex Pettyfer was less attractive than usual, but never difficult to look at. My only guess at the silver veins was to make him look "mystical," because without them...well he'd just be "ugly." And then they'd be offending everyone out there that had gashed-up, tattooed faces. Lest we not forget, if they made him too gruesome, maybe the movie would have lost some of its lovely tween following. Anyway, I was truly disappointed in the creative team for not going back to the drawing board.
Now, moving onwards and upwards. I must say that, overall, I didn't mind anyone's acting. The main cast was a pretty solid crew, with Neil Patrick Harris being the delightful cherry on top. As soon as I saw Vanessa Hudgens, I thought "Hey, High School Musical was good to you," but her performance wasn't terrible. Goofy dialogue cannot be helped, since the actors weren't writing their parts. For cringe-worthy lines, watch the first five minutes. But there were some lovable moments, too. Blind tutor Will, played by NPH, and maid Zola, Lisa Gay Hamilton, stole the show with their camaraderie as they help Kyle try to understand the female psyche. Also, NPH acting blind is pretty cute because of his stone cold commitment.
What I learned from Beastly is that Hollywood is scared to get scary, unless they're making a slasher film. Then, gratuitous, unnecessary ways to disfigure human beings come pouring out of the woodworks. Also, drop Neil Patrick Harris in anything and he'll do a bang-up job. Apologies for blabbing about him so much; he's just a talented, good-looking man. Last but not least, my rating. Would I recommend it? If you have boobs, sure. If not, I'd stay away. It's a quintessential chick flick, through and through.
Out of four, I give it:
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